Just some things I had forgotten...

Well, its a been awhile since I was last here and published something. So let me start off by saying, my life has changed dramatically.

 I recently became a single mom and man is that a challenge. Not so much about being the only parent to do everything because I was pretty much doing that when I was married. The thing that is probably the hardest is readjusting my life. I am currently living back at home and my son and I are trying to acclimate to not being the only ones at home most of the time. Don't get me wrong, I love the generosity that my parents have given me and the fact that they jump in whenever I need it. The hardest part is the not knowing where life will take us next.

 See, I am the kind of person that plans absolutely EVERYTHING. So, to not know where life is taking me and how I am going to get back on my feet again is quite scary. Not to mention currently going through a divorce is scary in and of itself. My ex isn't all that bad. He is an AMAZING dad and I couldn't have wished for a better person to be my son's father. He just royally sucked as a husband and that could be because we as a couple just weren't meant to be. With that being said, its not the kind of 'nasty' divorce you hear about on television, but his sister is the one standing behind him. His sister just so happens to not like me and work in a family law office. yay me! I do have to say that having someone at your back with such ferocity is always a good thing, but someone with that quality but not an objective mind is another thing. Kind of like dealing with a untrained pitbull.

 It almost feels like a lot of the people I know want me to be so angry and pissed off at the divorce situation or even my ex, but the simple thing is, is that I'm just not. I don't know if that is because I was living in a loveless relationship for so long or if its simply because I am just tired of being the victim but being portrayed as the criminal. I have been called a 'effing liar' and had my name drug through the mud and yet I still am not angry. Maybe I am taking a page out of my grandmothers book. You know the one, 'Walk soft but carry a big stick?'. Pretty much just choose your battles and this is not the one I have chosen. Please understand that seeing my ex, still breaks my heart a little bit more each time and knowing that He isn't sad about losing our marriage and that he is out partying and going out every chance he gets. He makes it seem like he is so much better off with being a single male and a weekend daddy. To have a marriage crumble is devastating, I was broken over it and apart of me still is, and i think that that part will always be there. I used to say if my ex and I ever split up that I would be broken for a little while but that life moves on and I would do so as well. I guess I proved my point.

 Now that I'm not living as a wife but as a separated soon to be ex wife, its hard to find out who I am. I went straight from being a rebellious free 18 year old teenager to a 18 year old housewife then to a young stay at home mother. So to all of a sudden become just a mom and be given the opportunity to find out who I really am without the pretense of being something to someone else is quite an odd feeling. I am constantly hearing 'Heather, Now its your turn to find yourself and who you REALLY are..".

 Well alright. Thats helpful.

 It almost feels like Im trying to relearn how to live and I guess in some aspect that is exactly what I am doing.

The thing I am struggling with the most is that I know so many people who are much more sophisticated or complicated for that matter then I am. What I am discovering is that I am a simple girl who would prefer to have McDonalds then to have a 300 dollar meal. I prefer to be out in the country with horses and getting dirty then to take hours to get ready to go to a majorly fancy occasion where I will feel inadequate in almost everything involved. Don't get me wrong I love to dress up but I prefer to be with someone that would make jokes at all the snobby people there then be one of them. I am just someone that enjoys sitting on a front porch looking out onto nothing but fields then staring at the side of my neighbors house.

I used to be accused of having no compassion and being selfish. again having my personality drug through the mud. The truth? Sometimes I care TOO much. I simply don't like having people I care about being 1. mad at me or 2. upset in general. I will always try to make your day better even if mine is going down the drain.

 Just some of the things I have forgotten while I was married.

 Well, this has become a long and involved 'note'. So Until next time.

Just one more.

Not quite a woman, but more then a girl.
I gave it all up, so you could have the world.

My heart is bleeding, my pain is seething.
And yet you still have the world.

You broke me completely, and yet I am not the victim.
I still hang my head, and wonder why.
I still flinch at the dreams and the memories that float by.

My wings are broken, and yet I'm still trying to fly.
Loving you has been my one and finale goodbye.

Im standing alone, but Im starting to stand tall.
I am rebuilding my world because you took it all.

One painstaking step, one strangling breath,
One more dream, one more night thats left.

Not quite a woman, but more then a girl.
I gave it all up, so you could have the world.

My heart is bleeding, my pain is seething.
And yet I am learning that you didn't take it all.