Just some things I had forgotten...

Well, its a been awhile since I was last here and published something. So let me start off by saying, my life has changed dramatically.

 I recently became a single mom and man is that a challenge. Not so much about being the only parent to do everything because I was pretty much doing that when I was married. The thing that is probably the hardest is readjusting my life. I am currently living back at home and my son and I are trying to acclimate to not being the only ones at home most of the time. Don't get me wrong, I love the generosity that my parents have given me and the fact that they jump in whenever I need it. The hardest part is the not knowing where life will take us next.

 See, I am the kind of person that plans absolutely EVERYTHING. So, to not know where life is taking me and how I am going to get back on my feet again is quite scary. Not to mention currently going through a divorce is scary in and of itself. My ex isn't all that bad. He is an AMAZING dad and I couldn't have wished for a better person to be my son's father. He just royally sucked as a husband and that could be because we as a couple just weren't meant to be. With that being said, its not the kind of 'nasty' divorce you hear about on television, but his sister is the one standing behind him. His sister just so happens to not like me and work in a family law office. yay me! I do have to say that having someone at your back with such ferocity is always a good thing, but someone with that quality but not an objective mind is another thing. Kind of like dealing with a untrained pitbull.

 It almost feels like a lot of the people I know want me to be so angry and pissed off at the divorce situation or even my ex, but the simple thing is, is that I'm just not. I don't know if that is because I was living in a loveless relationship for so long or if its simply because I am just tired of being the victim but being portrayed as the criminal. I have been called a 'effing liar' and had my name drug through the mud and yet I still am not angry. Maybe I am taking a page out of my grandmothers book. You know the one, 'Walk soft but carry a big stick?'. Pretty much just choose your battles and this is not the one I have chosen. Please understand that seeing my ex, still breaks my heart a little bit more each time and knowing that He isn't sad about losing our marriage and that he is out partying and going out every chance he gets. He makes it seem like he is so much better off with being a single male and a weekend daddy. To have a marriage crumble is devastating, I was broken over it and apart of me still is, and i think that that part will always be there. I used to say if my ex and I ever split up that I would be broken for a little while but that life moves on and I would do so as well. I guess I proved my point.

 Now that I'm not living as a wife but as a separated soon to be ex wife, its hard to find out who I am. I went straight from being a rebellious free 18 year old teenager to a 18 year old housewife then to a young stay at home mother. So to all of a sudden become just a mom and be given the opportunity to find out who I really am without the pretense of being something to someone else is quite an odd feeling. I am constantly hearing 'Heather, Now its your turn to find yourself and who you REALLY are..".

 Well alright. Thats helpful.

 It almost feels like Im trying to relearn how to live and I guess in some aspect that is exactly what I am doing.

The thing I am struggling with the most is that I know so many people who are much more sophisticated or complicated for that matter then I am. What I am discovering is that I am a simple girl who would prefer to have McDonalds then to have a 300 dollar meal. I prefer to be out in the country with horses and getting dirty then to take hours to get ready to go to a majorly fancy occasion where I will feel inadequate in almost everything involved. Don't get me wrong I love to dress up but I prefer to be with someone that would make jokes at all the snobby people there then be one of them. I am just someone that enjoys sitting on a front porch looking out onto nothing but fields then staring at the side of my neighbors house.

I used to be accused of having no compassion and being selfish. again having my personality drug through the mud. The truth? Sometimes I care TOO much. I simply don't like having people I care about being 1. mad at me or 2. upset in general. I will always try to make your day better even if mine is going down the drain.

 Just some of the things I have forgotten while I was married.

 Well, this has become a long and involved 'note'. So Until next time.

Just one more.

Not quite a woman, but more then a girl.
I gave it all up, so you could have the world.

My heart is bleeding, my pain is seething.
And yet you still have the world.

You broke me completely, and yet I am not the victim.
I still hang my head, and wonder why.
I still flinch at the dreams and the memories that float by.

My wings are broken, and yet I'm still trying to fly.
Loving you has been my one and finale goodbye.

Im standing alone, but Im starting to stand tall.
I am rebuilding my world because you took it all.

One painstaking step, one strangling breath,
One more dream, one more night thats left.

Not quite a woman, but more then a girl.
I gave it all up, so you could have the world.

My heart is bleeding, my pain is seething.
And yet I am learning that you didn't take it all.

Sides

Listening to the wind,
Watching the petals fall like snow.
Wondering if it might have been a different show.

Looking at life threw someone elses eyes
its like loosening all of your ties.

Ties to people, ties to this world,
Ties to somewhere that i never understood.

I do not belong in this life,
something that i have had to fight.
Nowhere near is my purpose found,
because of this life i am truly bound.

It is my lifes stake
To understand if its a demon or angels
life that i am to make.

The battle of good and evil is my wage
To no longer know is my lifes one mistake.

My wings are hidden from all who see,
But inside me, they are spreading free.

Are they washed white with snow,
Or are they the darkest black from my own cold.

This is my quest to battle alone,
because no one else could possibly know,
that what it feels like to bare this within my bones.

Should I or Shouldn't I?

Do you ever feel like there is always someone right there telling you that you should change who you are, how you deal with things, how you react..ect? How do you react? Do you Yell and Scream or do you bite your tongue and let it roll off your back? Im probably the first, although im constantly told i should bite my tongue. Seems like i've been hearing that advice since i was born. When i was little i would pray to god and ask for him to 'take away' my anger and my horrible attitude because growing up in multiple churches, That was the consensus. Not that i just needed to tone it down, but that it was unacceptable and that i needed to change who i was entirly. Morph into this sweet, quiet, unobstructing, good mannered child/teen/adult. What i came to find out as i grew up and out of the closed minded-ness of churches, is that i was 1. going threw a horrible case of teenage rebellion disease, but 2. that i am and will never or could ever change the fact that i am a blunt person. Not only am i that, but i have never been one to close my mouth, mind or both for that matter when i dont agree or i see an injustice. Now let me clarify, you can be a bitch and be blunt or you can be a lady with class and be blunt. Southerner women do it all the time, you just learn how to do it with a smile and a sprinkle of class. I am currently battling a round of people telling me how i should be, how i should think, how i should act and do things. I have yet to say anything to anyone, so i guess you should say im adapting to the latter that i referenced in the beginning. Its hard.

Im not going to lie, I am struggling and struggling hard, theres not a doubt in my mind. I am struggling with a multitude of things not just what i have written tonight. But as i sit at my dinning room table and ponder theres a nagging question thats left, should i follow my grandmothers advice and let it roll off of me, or should i say something. Undoubtingly there will be talk and hurt feelings and a mess that comes with the drama or i could avoid it all and just shut my trap.


Being stuck between a rock and a hard place blows.

Until later..

just a mom?

Am i just a mom? seems like before i was married and a parent i was so many things, i was independent, pretty, smart..ect. But now, just a mom, the nanny, the maid, the accountant, but nothing about WHO I AM! nothing. not that im smart, nothing that i used to be. Maybe im just being a princess and refusing to change, but i think i have done a great job at morphing into this other entity entirely. like i have said a million times i love being a mom, but sometimes i feel like thats it. im nothing more then a mom.

I am in this place of not knowing what i want to do with myself and my life. i recently asked someone close to me, what they think i would be good at, like A, B, or C? and they retorted with a question, well is being a mom not enough?

My answer... was no its not. Makes me kinda feel bad to saying being a mom doesnt completely fufill me, and its not necessarily that either, its just i want to be something other then just a mom.

There is not a day that doesnt go by that i am not uplifting my husbands ego or someone elses for that matter, but even when blantly asked of someone if i would be good at something or what not, they cant come up with an anwser. its always a hmm, well maybe all of it, or some lame ass answer that covers all of the above. no specifics. There isnt a day that doesnt go by that i dont feel stupid because someone wont explain something to me because 'i just wouldnt understand.' Maybe i am being whinny. but at this point i just really dont care. im tired of being treated like im stupid or put on this earth for someone elses servant,or even someone that isnt good at anything. i dont care WHO i ask, they cant ever tell me point blank, straight forward what im good at. And yet i am constantly telling people how amazing they are or what they are fantastic at.

so point blank, up front, and honest. I am not happy with JUST being a mom.

Stepping threw to wonderland.

have you ever looked in the mirror and didnt recognize the person staring back. Not because of some emotional baggage. But because the person in the mirror looks like someone thats stepped threw to Wonderland.

When I become a Mother, it was one of the happiest days of my life. But like all moms know, it changes your life in a way that words cant come close to describe. Dont get me wrong, i love and adore being a mom and wouldnt change it for the world. But sometimes i wish i could pause the 'mommy life' and transport back in time where things were less complicated or easier for that matter.

To me, my life feels like i have stepped threw the glass to wonderland. When looking in the mirror i find that my reflection doesnt look like me. I avoid staring into a reflective surface too long, or taking pictures that have me blatantly in the picture, because i dont like my 'wonderland self'. Its not like im nagging because i have a wrinkle here or a blemish there. its like my bones have shifted to form this different person. I can see the difference in pictures from before to after. I dont know if maybe my sub-conscience is just screwing with my mind or that my look has really changed.

But my whole point other then the fact that i dont like my "new" look, is that sometimes your life changes so dramatically that its like stepping threw to wonderland. But sometimes you have to sit down with the mad hatter and the march hare and have a cup of tea and enjoy the ride..

My last question for you. What happens when you dont want the tea?

Until later...

Hello,God?

There comes a time in everyone's life where it just sucks. Plain and simple theres no happy or silver lining to it. Where do you go? well, now what?
Do you give up your desires for the things maybe more important or do you be selfish and say hell no.

I in my short little life havent figured it out yet. That wisdom has not been imparted to me yet, maybe because my realitives want me to learn on my own.LOL. who knows. Maybe god is teaching me a lesson. When i am facing it, i am stuck between a rock and a hard place, im at a fork and have nowhere to turn. Sometimes i wish my mommy was still making the desicions for me it was SOO much easier, Life was easier when your biggest hurt was a skinned body part, not so much a broken heart.

Knowing that my next step in life will inevidably break my heart, makes me just want to stick my head in the sand and stand with my ass in the air and say KISS IT! im staying PUT! But my entire life i was no where near cowardness, i was the one saying bring it on! now..well not so much..God has a way of working in those emotions and attitudes you were lacking...like my willingness to compromise.

I am an impatient person, i know it and so does everyone else! I wish i could have god on speed dial and say hey i need the details about whats coming next if i make this decision or that one. Kinda like those choose your own adventure books, except when you dont like your adventure you can turn back the page. I hated those books. You know the saying the light at the end of the tunnel? yah, well if i could i would drive to the end see whats in the light and then drive all the way back to take the journey, that is if i liked the result. if not, i would park my car and say you all can suck it. not uh. no why, no how. Of course im sure god would get me to move eventually. He always does. Hes funny like that, and im sure all of my eufamisims give him quite the amount of laughter.

Now that im done moaning and groaning for the most part. What do you do?
Im not so sure yet..better luck next time

Till then.