Hello,God?

There comes a time in everyone's life where it just sucks. Plain and simple theres no happy or silver lining to it. Where do you go? well, now what?
Do you give up your desires for the things maybe more important or do you be selfish and say hell no.

I in my short little life havent figured it out yet. That wisdom has not been imparted to me yet, maybe because my realitives want me to learn on my own.LOL. who knows. Maybe god is teaching me a lesson. When i am facing it, i am stuck between a rock and a hard place, im at a fork and have nowhere to turn. Sometimes i wish my mommy was still making the desicions for me it was SOO much easier, Life was easier when your biggest hurt was a skinned body part, not so much a broken heart.

Knowing that my next step in life will inevidably break my heart, makes me just want to stick my head in the sand and stand with my ass in the air and say KISS IT! im staying PUT! But my entire life i was no where near cowardness, i was the one saying bring it on! now..well not so much..God has a way of working in those emotions and attitudes you were lacking...like my willingness to compromise.

I am an impatient person, i know it and so does everyone else! I wish i could have god on speed dial and say hey i need the details about whats coming next if i make this decision or that one. Kinda like those choose your own adventure books, except when you dont like your adventure you can turn back the page. I hated those books. You know the saying the light at the end of the tunnel? yah, well if i could i would drive to the end see whats in the light and then drive all the way back to take the journey, that is if i liked the result. if not, i would park my car and say you all can suck it. not uh. no why, no how. Of course im sure god would get me to move eventually. He always does. Hes funny like that, and im sure all of my eufamisims give him quite the amount of laughter.

Now that im done moaning and groaning for the most part. What do you do?
Im not so sure yet..better luck next time

Till then.

A *Cheshire* Cat.

When in life you are faced with difficult decisions, What do we do? We face it and conquer it or we turn a blind eye. But, what if this decision could have the opportunity to better your life? My husband has had his eye set on being in the military since he was young. I had my eye on the navy ever since middle school. Getting married and being a mom changed my want for the military, but my husbands didn't waver. So as a wife and a mom when faced with a tough decision to give your blessing for something that could potentially advance your life, give you national travel and stability for your family, and yet also has the potential to be deadly. What do we do?

I look to god and my family(of course!) A bible verse that i found kinda explains it.


Proverbs 29:25 The fear of man lays a snare,
but whoever trusts in the Lord is safe.


You can be absolutely POSITIVE that I'm terrified that my husband wont come back if he is sent into 'dangerous zones'. Before him you couldn't have even thought about conquering, penetrating, or climbing the wall i had built around myself and my emotions, but with him its different, probably as it should be. I don't have walls with him, i am so vulnerable, i don't have my safety net or my walls and to let go of something so precious is terrifying and brings me to tears every time i think about it. It also doesn't help that I'm a control freak. lol. :) I haven't always been the best at laying my problems down at gods feet and trusting in him but im getting better, as we all are. We are constantly learning. God has taught me, sometimes the BEST of life and what it can bring you doesn't and can't be achieved if you have the reigns. I'm pretty sure god god has had a lot of good laughs over me, i tend to get caught in my own snares when I'm being stubborn and telling God 'No....No! i don't need your help! what were you thinking! i can do it all by myself! thanks anyways' as he watches me get caught and me kinda looking up and saying 'alright,you were right! Fine, I'm sorry. PLEEEAAASSSSSEEEE get me outta here! And like always god extends his hand and helps his kids out. Hes pretty dependable like that :) God has a way of showing you things whether you want to see them or not, so a little advice open your eyes preferably before you fall down the rabbit hole!


my family has said it must be talked about between us to, but what if you don't know where to go? You sit in silence and let it do the talking. Some of the hardest problems can be helped with just simple silence.

Going on my second year of marriage, i have learned that even at the worst times and with my heart shattered by the one i love, he is my Forever.


So as it stands now. Im probably,kinda,maybe contiplating(not thinking!) one of the most complex,difficult, big decisions of my life.

Until next time..

Its Just That Kind of L♥ve

The past couple days i have realized something. Marriage is a state of Vulnerability. It last 24/7 365 days and whether we like to admit it or not, (I know for SURE i don't) its good for us. It gives us the power to hurt each other beyond reprimand, but also the capability to heal all wounds and to love like nothing before. We learn to deal with the power marriage brings and to learn how to use it for empowerment and uplifting rather then put-downs and negativity.

I think God makes marriage so different then just dating to show us, how he loves. He loves BIG, nothing stopping him or making his love waver. its agape.

My marriage hasn't been the easiest, but threw all the sabotage, hurt, tears and arguments. I have learned one thing time and again. Marriage and Love are a lot like Snowflakes. No two are the same, and they are constantly changing. Marriage changes when you move in together, when you have a baby, the first time you both decide where to live or how to decorate a room. Love is very similar except when you are faced with an argument or something that you think will be the end all, love conquers it. True love is when you are so hurt by the other person, but you still want them to hold you and mend your broken heart. I think god gives us snowflakes to remind us that never are two things exactly alike and to know that even in the differences there's true beauty.

Thats all for now. stay tuned

The week of Eeyores, blessings and Taking the High Road

This week has contained way too many eeyores for me. You see people going threw a hard time, their life isnt going according to "their" plan or they were tossed a curve ball, and instead of whining for a couple days, they turn into eeyore. "Oh poor, poor me. oh well. nothings gonna change" type of attitude. Believe me, i am learning that with god its O.K to let go and let him as my grandmother calls it drive the boat. (who knows why god is driving a boat and not something like a Lamborghini but its a boat) I am the first to sit and call my mom in tears because im frustrated or something went wrong, but after the hour long phone call or the 24 hour time period of my moping i 95% of the time move past it. 

I am so tired of seeing people i truly care about fall into being eeyore. I am constantly telling people that you have so much more to be happy/thankful about, like GOD LOVES YOU. but nothing can take them out of their eeyore mode. I am constantly reminded that even though you see something, people are blinded by their emotions and will only see what they wish to.

(Mid - week)
Lately god has really been blessing us, But do you ever wonder if he is going to test your faith, to see if you'll follow him even when life sucks? Kinda like waiting for the other shoe to drop? I know god isn't like that. I know this deep inside but the still the story of job is recalled to my mind. Yes satan was the one that messed with god, but god allowed it. God is just great.

( End of the week )
By the end of the week, i was feeling pretty good. the eeyores were gone, my life was great and things that were supposed to get me down, couldn't have mattered less. But After awhile things like that start to wear on you. It dawned on me though, sometimes its not worth it, Sometimes you just have to stop and learn to walk past it. I was once told to take the higher road, but asked at what cost? Is there ever a cost too high to pay to take a higher or better way threw something? I think there isn't. I think that to take the higher road or do the godly thing is always right no matter the cost.

So I know people arent going to agree with me, and you know what Im okay with that

loaner dogs

So i have gone threw a lot of dogs in this past year trying to find the perfect one, lest be said i havent found him yet. So I was feeling down because people were harping on me saying that i should just stop getting animals OBVIOUSLY it wasnt for me, so talking to my grandmother she tells me 'grasshopper, tell them that they are loaner dogs, i asked what that meant and she said you loan them to see what you want and what you dont we have all done it plenty of times so dont get so down about it.

and i was thinking in a way god loans us people to. i lost a dear friend of mine last september and thinking back i was devasted that he lost his battle with lukemia and knowing that greiving is a selfish emotion and its perfectly okay but god was just loaning him to me. God loans his people out, he will always take them back and no matter the cirumstances, its a good thing. they came into our lives and helped with the hard times, gave us laughter, taught us things no one else could and loved us. There is always a reason for everything god does.

John 10:3-4 : To him the doorkeeper opens, and the sheep hear his voice; and he calls his own sheep by name and leads them out.And when he brings out his own sheep, he goes before them; and the sheep follow him, for they know his voice.

God is like the Ocean.

So today with the blazing hot temperature me and my aunt went to Portland, She had her ruby Wednesday where she meets with an elderly woman that she be-friended awhile ago and i go to visit with my mother and sisters.

Afterward's we decide to go to lunch, always when i am with my aunt we end up talking about god, NEVER a bad thing. :) we talk about our struggles with him, our lessons we recently have learned or even things we just don't get. and believe me I'm learning all the things i DONT get. lol

The conversation eventually touched on how i don't get why people decide to go around the same mountain, and i am talking about the WOE is me, i have soo many trials and tribulations mountain the one that Christian's often find themselves circling. I first heard the analogy from Joyce Meyer. Wow is she one heck of a teacher. But its true, i know i have walked a many times around this mountain but it makes my heart hurt to watch a fellow Christian continuously do this, EVEN when we give them the tools to go threw, go over, or even move this mountain and yet they still encircle it. GOD gives them the GREATEST of these tools and yet they refuse to listen. Its like a Eeyore effect. they sit under a black storm cloud and don't look for the silver lining. the saying goes, "you cant help those who wish not to be helped'.

When talking to my aunt i find that i tend to be so thirsty to hear what the bible has to say about certain things, ya think gods telling me something? lol. So when we finally get on the road of course the conversation continues and when i finally start to look around i notice, 'Wow, I'm 5 minutes from my house' But i still have ONE more question i wanna know about. What does the saying "Fear of god' mean? Does god really want us to fear him? or does it have some "Other" meaning? my aunt explained it as no he doesn't want us to fear him, he is Almighty and you need to respect him and be in AWE of him,

(((For the unbeliever it means judgement day (luke 12:5 But I will show you whom you should fear: Fear him who, after the killing of the body, has power to throw you into hell. Yes, I tell you, fear him) for the believer Check out Hebrews 12:28-29 (Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe, 29 for our “God is a consuming fire.” ). )))))

I took that to mean God is like the Ocean. We respect the ocean but We Don't fear the ocean, It is Almighty. We know that the ocean has an Almighty wrath that requires respect, i think god is just like that, he is great and almighty and has the ability to have great wrath but he doesn't use it at a drop of the hat. our god is Just and it says it rains EVENLY on the just and the unjust alike.


So there you have it folks. Until next time i deem it necessary to write to no one. :)

Family Struggles

Ever stop to consider that even though we have moved on from something in our past, maybe someone else that was involved has not? It makes me think what kind of ripples we put into the world, Who we touch or who is affected by what we have said or done.

Growing up i remember my family being this super big, super happy family that was always in every one's business.Which wasn't necessarily a bad thing. But one thing led to another and "that" family was now split into two opposing sides. I remember having so much anger towards all of the adults because even as a child i could see how foolish it was. I asked my grandmother one Sunday during church, 'What would it take to get our family back together? One of us getting SERIOUSLY hurt?' Low and behold that's exactly what it took, Two of my aunts were in a serious car accident that left all of us in shock and awe. The end result was we had our family reunited but one of us was now a quadriplegic. years went by, but not so smoothly as before. There were some bumps and some bruising.

After turning 18 and getting married, i figured i didn't have to take all the bullshit from my elders that i didn't want to take, because, by God, i was now an adult too. When i had it out with one of my aunts and then tried to apologize during a family function, i was more then shocked to see the result of my actions. She was pissed and wasn't hearing nor would she even considered letting me talk, that's when i finally knew what kind of people i DIDN'T want in my life. So after being harassed and emotionally battered, I cut her out of my life, i just stopped talking to her, or even involving her in my life. I saw what kind of person she truly was, i watched her belittle my parents, her own sister and reduce my sister to tears more then once, i tried to convince people she wasn't nice, but they didn't always want to see that. Most people don't want or look for the bad in there own family members, I mean, why should we? We are taught that family doesn't harm you, they heal you. Well truth be told, that's not always how it is.

Moving on...

My family is once again on opposing sides. there has been many MANY hurtful things said about people, and yet, no one has yet to settle the arguement. We sit and wait for another email or another phone call filled with yelling and screaming about how horrible people we all are, and yet this comes from family! I can only say, how disappointed i am at the idea that my family could do such a thing, I expect this type of crap from MY HUSBANDS family but not my own. My whole family claims to be Christan and yet some of them use the bible to justify all the bad things they do. I am no ones judge but What i can be sure of, is that above all things is morally wrong. I have been accused of being a horrible person and using people as my own personal punching bag. I will be the first one in line to tell you my anger is a fiery one. I know how to wield words like knives, But i can say without a shadow of a doubt that i have NEVER personally harassed someone every chance i got.

Where would you be if you didn't have a support system? Whether that be family, a spouse, a friend, or even a child. We would be no where because Someone has to pick you up when you fall, because there are times when we all fall so constantly that we don't want to rise back up, and its those people that we count on to pick us up when we refuse to ourselves.

through all of this I have learned, Not always will the ENTIRE family be there to pick you up. And you know what, I think i'm okay with that.