Sides

Listening to the wind,
Watching the petals fall like snow.
Wondering if it might have been a different show.

Looking at life threw someone elses eyes
its like loosening all of your ties.

Ties to people, ties to this world,
Ties to somewhere that i never understood.

I do not belong in this life,
something that i have had to fight.
Nowhere near is my purpose found,
because of this life i am truly bound.

It is my lifes stake
To understand if its a demon or angels
life that i am to make.

The battle of good and evil is my wage
To no longer know is my lifes one mistake.

My wings are hidden from all who see,
But inside me, they are spreading free.

Are they washed white with snow,
Or are they the darkest black from my own cold.

This is my quest to battle alone,
because no one else could possibly know,
that what it feels like to bare this within my bones.

Should I or Shouldn't I?

Do you ever feel like there is always someone right there telling you that you should change who you are, how you deal with things, how you react..ect? How do you react? Do you Yell and Scream or do you bite your tongue and let it roll off your back? Im probably the first, although im constantly told i should bite my tongue. Seems like i've been hearing that advice since i was born. When i was little i would pray to god and ask for him to 'take away' my anger and my horrible attitude because growing up in multiple churches, That was the consensus. Not that i just needed to tone it down, but that it was unacceptable and that i needed to change who i was entirly. Morph into this sweet, quiet, unobstructing, good mannered child/teen/adult. What i came to find out as i grew up and out of the closed minded-ness of churches, is that i was 1. going threw a horrible case of teenage rebellion disease, but 2. that i am and will never or could ever change the fact that i am a blunt person. Not only am i that, but i have never been one to close my mouth, mind or both for that matter when i dont agree or i see an injustice. Now let me clarify, you can be a bitch and be blunt or you can be a lady with class and be blunt. Southerner women do it all the time, you just learn how to do it with a smile and a sprinkle of class. I am currently battling a round of people telling me how i should be, how i should think, how i should act and do things. I have yet to say anything to anyone, so i guess you should say im adapting to the latter that i referenced in the beginning. Its hard.

Im not going to lie, I am struggling and struggling hard, theres not a doubt in my mind. I am struggling with a multitude of things not just what i have written tonight. But as i sit at my dinning room table and ponder theres a nagging question thats left, should i follow my grandmothers advice and let it roll off of me, or should i say something. Undoubtingly there will be talk and hurt feelings and a mess that comes with the drama or i could avoid it all and just shut my trap.


Being stuck between a rock and a hard place blows.

Until later..

just a mom?

Am i just a mom? seems like before i was married and a parent i was so many things, i was independent, pretty, smart..ect. But now, just a mom, the nanny, the maid, the accountant, but nothing about WHO I AM! nothing. not that im smart, nothing that i used to be. Maybe im just being a princess and refusing to change, but i think i have done a great job at morphing into this other entity entirely. like i have said a million times i love being a mom, but sometimes i feel like thats it. im nothing more then a mom.

I am in this place of not knowing what i want to do with myself and my life. i recently asked someone close to me, what they think i would be good at, like A, B, or C? and they retorted with a question, well is being a mom not enough?

My answer... was no its not. Makes me kinda feel bad to saying being a mom doesnt completely fufill me, and its not necessarily that either, its just i want to be something other then just a mom.

There is not a day that doesnt go by that i am not uplifting my husbands ego or someone elses for that matter, but even when blantly asked of someone if i would be good at something or what not, they cant come up with an anwser. its always a hmm, well maybe all of it, or some lame ass answer that covers all of the above. no specifics. There isnt a day that doesnt go by that i dont feel stupid because someone wont explain something to me because 'i just wouldnt understand.' Maybe i am being whinny. but at this point i just really dont care. im tired of being treated like im stupid or put on this earth for someone elses servant,or even someone that isnt good at anything. i dont care WHO i ask, they cant ever tell me point blank, straight forward what im good at. And yet i am constantly telling people how amazing they are or what they are fantastic at.

so point blank, up front, and honest. I am not happy with JUST being a mom.

Stepping threw to wonderland.

have you ever looked in the mirror and didnt recognize the person staring back. Not because of some emotional baggage. But because the person in the mirror looks like someone thats stepped threw to Wonderland.

When I become a Mother, it was one of the happiest days of my life. But like all moms know, it changes your life in a way that words cant come close to describe. Dont get me wrong, i love and adore being a mom and wouldnt change it for the world. But sometimes i wish i could pause the 'mommy life' and transport back in time where things were less complicated or easier for that matter.

To me, my life feels like i have stepped threw the glass to wonderland. When looking in the mirror i find that my reflection doesnt look like me. I avoid staring into a reflective surface too long, or taking pictures that have me blatantly in the picture, because i dont like my 'wonderland self'. Its not like im nagging because i have a wrinkle here or a blemish there. its like my bones have shifted to form this different person. I can see the difference in pictures from before to after. I dont know if maybe my sub-conscience is just screwing with my mind or that my look has really changed.

But my whole point other then the fact that i dont like my "new" look, is that sometimes your life changes so dramatically that its like stepping threw to wonderland. But sometimes you have to sit down with the mad hatter and the march hare and have a cup of tea and enjoy the ride..

My last question for you. What happens when you dont want the tea?

Until later...